Are you married to your own narrative? Is it your story and you’re sticking to it? I have great news! As of midnight, last night, you can marry whatever bullshit story you believe.
Vampires are real, COVID is a hoax, equity is not fair to white people, Bill Clinton is Elvis, you’re the smartest person in your family, your sister’s husband thinks you’re hotter than her, dogs are babies, Michelle Obama would be your best friend if she met you, that girl who hated you in high school was jealous! The list is endless.
Paperclipped to the infrastructure bill, the Cult of Personality Republicans squeaked through The Marrying Your Own Narrative Law. As of this morning, Americans from all over the country are marrying their own stories.
Would-be brides and grooms are stampeding to Vegas ready to until-death-do-us parts that bullshit lie they’ve been telling themselves their whole life. Americans are driving, flying, biking, hopping, and two-stepping to courthouses, masks-be-damned, to marry their personal narrative.
“It’s my story and I’m sticking to it,” said Mr. Beebop LoveMySelf. “I’m a white oppressed man and the election was rigged by foreign-educated octopus chickens.”
Mr. LoveMySelf was stylishly dressed in an American flag, ankle-length muumuu designed by a recently fired Gucci designer who had made waves with his blackface balaclava knit top.
Another It’s My Story and I’m Sticking to Itzealot, Ms. Mimi Narcissus was one of the thousands of individuals lined up in the wee hours at a local Florida courthouse.
“I got here at 1 a.m. this morning,” said Ms. Narcicssius, soon to be Mrs. Narcissius. “That’s when I’m normally boring the shit out of people at the local tavern. I tell everyone I can’t see the color of people, so how could I be a racist? They tell me I’m full of shit because of all the racist letters I send to the local paper. But today, I’m marrying my story and now, no one can divide us!”
A recently married Mrs. StruckDum interrupted, sticking her Tiffany diamond engagement ring in my face. “I’m always telling people that my family hates me cause I’m so superior and now I can make it official. When I found out I could marry my story, I looked down at my naval and said, it’s our time now, baby. Ain’t nobody gonna tell us that we lack facts and evidence.”
The Anti-Marrying Your Own Damn Story Movement is in shock this law was passed. “We didn’t take these screwballs seriously,” said JustTheFacts Jackson. “Who knew this many people would forfeit real marriage to an actual person in order to marry their own stupid boring story? This isn’t the country I grew up in.”
“It’s so depressing,” said OhMyGodShutTheFuckUp Ya’Bore. “My sister asked me to be her maid of honor at this fiasco. Do you realize what I am honoring? My sister thinks wearing a mask directly links us to alien technology!”
Mrs. Ya’Bore continued. “I’ve sent my sister a million NYTimes articles proving masks are not a conduit, but she says reading the NYTimes would offend her sponsors. Who? What!? I’m here today so she can marry that story. She’s my sister. What choice did I have? I had to buy a dress for this crazy shit.”
If you haven’t chosen a side to this issue yet, you need to think hard before racing down the aisle with your crazy-ass narrative. Seriously, people, facts are fact, right? No matter how much you want to believe in something, science, data, and information win every time.
On the other hand, if you look like the hero of your story and a bunch of lunkheads feel the same way as you do, may today be the beginning of a long and happy life together.