Bodycam Footage Lost in Lululemon Yoga Pants

Police arrest fancy lady for feeding her dog at the café

In a Bizarro World Twist, people have started to call the police on fancy ladies feeding and kissing their dogs at cafés.

Yesterday, an anonymous woman spotted this very atrocity.

I’m not saying she was slipping the dog a little tongue, butit was terrifying,” the anonymous lady said. “I’d heard that people kiss their dogs on the lips and eat meals with them, but witnessing it was nasty. You can’t unsee that.”

The anonymous woman called the police immediately. “I mean, it was either the police, the health department, or animal protection,” the woman said.

The policeman was only going to give the dog kisser a warning, but then, in a Bizarro World Twist, he drew his gun.

“Take the dog off your lap, ma’am, set it on the ground, stand up, turn around, put your hands on your head.”

Muffy Fluffy went nuts. Muffy Fluffy had no idea how to protect her owner, being an immaculately groomed twelve-pounder, but this was a life worth yipping for.

It didn’t get any better than this, Muffy Fluffy thought. Other than, maybe being allowed to be a dog, and sniff other dog's asses, and maybe not spooning with a middle-aged woman every night. But other than those trivialities, yip yip yip, this lady feeds me foie gras! Put down your gun, sir.

“Muffy Fluffy!” The woman was losing control, violently shoving her dog under her Lululemon zip-up hoodie. Her metallic blue yoga pants were becoming bioluminescent, the way they always did, when they were under attack.

The policeman felt jumpy. Who knew what this rock hard-ass, aging yuppie was capable of doing once she finished mashing that poor creature into her breasts?

Were they breasts, implants, or were they well-concealed weapons? The policeman held his gun steady as this potentially volatile situation was escalating.

It was escalating like honey dripping from a honeycomb on an arctic day.

“Ma’am, get down on the ground,” he warned.

“I know my rights!” she yelled.

Muffy Fluffy had never seen a policeman do anything other than smile and wave at his fancy lady.

“Ma’am. There has been a complaint against you. There are people who don’t want to watch you feed your dog at the table.”

“This is a free world,” she said, not realizing things had changed. But now, as she shoved a raspberry with creme fraiche between Muffy Fluffy’s pointy little teeth, Muffy Fluffy saw the tides had turned. They weren’t in Malibu anymore.

“Ma’am, you’re going to have to feed your dog at home.”

This was really escalating as rapidly as an arthritic tortoise.

Normally, the situation would have dispersed by now. The policeman would have chuckled at the futility of the call. He would have agreed with the woman that yes, her dog was like a human. He would have asked the woman for her phone number.

The policeman would have returned to the station to banter about breast implants and who liked bouncy boobies and who liked them hard as saucepans. But this was Bizzaro World.

In this World, the cop threw that lady down, like a stunt doll in a cheap action flick, but this cheap doll wasn’t going down without a fight.

The amount of yoga she had practiced in her lifetime, had prepared her to straddle the policeman in six different poses. She was uncuffable.

People are now demanding to see the bodycam footage of the event, but the bodycam is gone. It was last seen jammed up in the lady’s yoga pants.

“That lady was crazy,” the policeman later admitted. “Her yoga pants were filled with everything from dog pâté to hand weights. Totally equipped arsenal.”

“There was no way I was going up there again without backup.”