Bradley Cooper Fakes COVID Test to Get Out of Singing Shallow Ever Again
No nudity in the shallow end
With bioluminescent blue eyes that could laser a hole through the moon's craters, sexy A Star is Born actor Bradley Cooper is using a fake COVID test to get out of singing Shallow ever again.
At first, Bradley said, singing Shallow sucked the marrow from my bones. Every time Lady Gaga and I harmonized, my goosebumps gave birth to baby goosebumps that called back the ancestors of my ancestral goosebumps. My melodically nourished blood soothed my seeking soul like a mountain climber melting into a sulfur bath.
Then, Shallow just got annoying. I mean painful.
Sing shallow! everyone yelled, everywhere I went. Dinners, the gym, one-night stands, funerals.
I started feeling like Shallow had become as insidious as Lynyrd Skynyrd’s Free Bird.
Lady Gaga never minded. She’s such a pro. Every time she belted that song out, her eyes seared into mine as if looking away would rip her pupils from my irises. My therapist called it enmeshment. He said it wasn’t so healthy.
I started having dreams about being naked in the shallow end of the swimming pool. People were pointing and laughing, “You’re not far from the shallow now, are you, buddy?” Taunting me. Whipping me with those neon styrofoam pool noodles.
Then, when I finally started dreaming about being in the deep end, I was always wearing those baby floaty arms, so more laughing, more heckling, more whipping noodles.
Lady Gaga started to show up in my dreams as my swim instructor. She was wearing a swimsuit like Ben Franklin would have worn when he invented flippers.
Also, even if Lady Gaga had been in a string bikini, I was a baby man who couldn't swim and she was maternal, increasingly concerned about my inability to be far from the shallow. This was not a dirty movie. This was penance for some misdeed.
Then COVID hit and I thought, shit man, this is awesome. No more performing Shallow. But, no, we started performing all over the world, in these tiny venues with pompous heavily vaccinated masked people. It was a horror movie.
I couldn’t go shopping without a nine-year-old girl grabbing my sexy white Calvin Klein tee by the hem and belting out Shallow. I had to smile because I’m a movie star, but I was vanishing.
I was lost, man. My cup which once runneth over with Shallow, was now like a rotted gutted fish decaying the shallow end of the stream. Stanky. You think you know what an earworm feels like and then something like Shallow happens.
That damn song pushed out all my other thoughts and lifelong acquired knowledge. I forgot how to speak French. I couldn’t remember Jennifer Garner's phone number and she’s my best friend.
I didn’t know how to talk to girls anymore. I developed allergies, burp hiccups, and acne. I seriously regressed.
When I got hired for new movies, sight unseen, they had to dub my part. I couldn’t memorize lines anymore. Nicole Kidman started doing my voiceovers.
I started hanging out with my high school friends who still thought I was cool. I began to date a girl I had a crush on in middle school. She had seven children who were members of a local militia. I was one Shallow performance short of crawling back into my mother’s womb and calling it.
I became a Buddhist and begged the Dalai Lama to reincarnate me. He said, nah, he’d tried that with Richard Gere and it was a disaster.
Then, one day I’m out with my buddy, Clooney. He was the only one who was still talking to me. Everybody else I knew said they had developed something called, “Shallow nausea” when they saw me.
I got a lot of, “I’m sorry man, but every time I see you, I think of that song and I feel queasy. Don’t worry, man. I got it over it with Frozen’s Let it Go. I’ll get over it with Shallow. Gotta go, man. I’m gagging.”
Clooney never saw the movie so I could hang with him at Lake Como if I promised to watch his twins.
What people don’t get about movie stars is COVID has really burned us out. We kept having to attend these tiny stupid parties and show our faces where everyone else was masked.
We had to get tested all the time, promote our films, sing our songs, but deep down, we wanted to be like regular people —fat, lazy, and bored to death on the couch with our families.
Clooney’s Guru, Gwyneth Paltrow, told him he could get out of promoting his movies by getting a positive COVID test. George didn’t want to get COVID for himself, so he asked Gwyneth to go catch it and bring back the positive test. No problemo, she said. She’d try anything once.
Boom. Positive COVID test. George got out of everything. No red carpets, No stage readings. No appearances. With every invite, he would text a photo of Gwyne’s positive COVID test, and boom. Free time for Clooney.
So, fans, that’s how I got out of singing Shallow. I know you civilians treasure advice from movie stars, so here it goes. You don’t have to say you’re too busy anymore. Tell your people you’d love to join them, but you have COVID.