COVID-19 Vaccine Impregnates Woman

Take that, baby Jesus

Photo by JEFERSON GOMES on Unsplash

A local woman announced today that the COVID-19 Vaccine knocked her up. She is tickled pink.

“It’s a miracle,” she told the news cameras. “My whole life, I’ve been seriously jealous of the Virgin Mary and all the attention she got, and then this happens. It’s like a threefer. Vaccinated, Impregnated, and probably Sainted, Right? Take that Virgin Mary.

Of course, Marjorie Taylor Greene is furious.

She had a pregnancy vaccine story brewing in her conspiracy pipeline but, it hadn’t dropped it yet. Marjorie’s spins were that the vaccine pregnancy was going to be the Devil’s Spawn.

Marjorie decided Hillary Clinton was the one who was going to get pregnant from the vaccine. She would declare that if people got vaccinated, they would have Hillary Clinton’s liberal ass, heretic, baby, which Hillary would subsequently eat. Not just her baby, but all ya alls babies.

But then that hee-haw local lady ruined everything for Marjorie! And she’s going with Plan B, which she’s praying will work.

Rudy Guilliani has come back to haunt us, telling everyone he is pretty sure he’s pregnant too, but he won’t be certain until he does the follow-up at his gynecologist, who for some reason isn’t taking his calls.

Many experts, which means a totally different thing than it used to, say the science is legit“The COVID-19 Vaccine knocked her up good,” doctor experts stated.

Doctors, who FOX news refuses to interview, are skeptical about the science but are keeping a wide berth from the issue.

“We’re seeing so much variety of vaccine side effects,” said Dr. Debra Burke when we reached her. “It’s hard to know what’s true. I’m just going to stand behind lunatics who declare crazy shit and nod for a little while, if you don’t mind.”

Thanks to the internet, you can read about everyone this knocked-up vaccinated local woman has ever slept with. They’re not the most fascinating fucks you ever read about, but they make you feel better about your life than staring at images of Brad Pitt’s shiny man bun.

Whether the baby is Hillary’s, the result of a COVID-19 vaccination, or just some dude’s, it will be a miracle if America is around for the birth of this baby.