Dear Frozen Penis at Olympics,

Finland’s skier Remi Lindholm’s connection to Game of Thrones

Dear Olympian with a Frozen Penis,

I was clueless about what you were going through. I was so wrapped up in the continual abuse of young women in sports that I didn’t even think about whether those lycra suits provided proper insulation for skiers who traversed through the mountains in subzero weather. Your poor dick.

I don’t have a penis, but yesterday my toes were en route to frostbite. I was standing outside a pool watching my son’s swim meet. We couldn’t go inside because of COVID and it was ten degrees out. We were forced to stand in the shade and blustery wind as our kids flew through the water.

I was so envious of their heat. My toes were burning with arctic air. I jumped up and down, side to side, but nothing helped. It was the closest I ever felt to the onset of frostbite.

When I took off my shoes later, my feet had changed color. I remember reading that you’re not supposed to leap into a hot tub when you’re ice cold. You have to rewarm gradually. The thawing is agonizing.

Yesterday while my toes were freezing outside my son's swim meet, Olympic cross-country skier Finland’s Remi Lindholm’s penis was freezing. I didn’t know. No one told me. I don’t know him. Why would anyone tell me?

All I could think about was my own toes. I didn’t think somewhere in the world, a Finnish man was wearing a lycra suit and his penis was becoming frozen solid.

Maybe a woman shouldn’t be allowed to write about this, but it affects every selfish human who thinks we are the only one life is happening to. None of us consider the man in a onesie racing through a blizzard with nothing to protect his penis from the elements except a lycra onesie. Lycra!?

There has to be something warmer than lycra for our glacial Olympians. I wear lycra to the beach and hot yoga and still, I catch a chill. Lycra prides itself on high-stretchability and excellent moisture-wicking. Frozen dick does not need high stretchability — it needs high shrinkability. And moisture-wicking sounds like lycra’s version of a porn fluffer.

All Finland’s Remi Lindholm could do was keep skiing forward. What was his alternative? Throwing himself onto the ground and rubbing his penis until it warmed up? How was that gonna look?

Did you see how hard people were on two-time gold medalist Mikaela Shiffrin when she just stopped for twenty minutes? Can you imagine if she had stopped and rubbed her vagina cause it was cold?

Finland’s Remi Lindholm had to keep going. Not like me, who ran into my car between my son’s swimming events, and blasted the floor and seat heating vents.

Finland’s Remi Lindholm had to keep skiing like his penis hadn’t mutated into an ice sculpture.

I wanted to ask him what’s worse. Being kicked in the nuts? Blueballs? These are the other painful things I’ve heard happen to testicles. I wanted to know where frozen penis landed on that list. But I can’t ask him. I don’t know him.

If he wanted to get hot cocoa with a stranger, I could tell him about my toes. The Finnish are rather mild-mannered so I don’t think he’d throw a marshmallow at my face and say, “This is nothing like your stupid fucking toes! This is my dick we’re talking about.”

I knew some improv actors who flew to Finland to teach Finnish businessmen how to show emotion. The Finns, apparently, play it too close to the vest so these comedians would fly over and create a forced improv environment where the Finns were challenged to show clear anger, sadness, joy.

The comedians were teaching them to fake more dramatic external emotional reactions with the long term goal that the Finns would eventually do it without prompts.

That makes me wonder how frosty Finland’s Remi Lindholm’s dick actually is. Maybe it’s way worse than anything he shared with the media because those improv actors never taught him to yell “JESUSFUCKINGCHRISTMYDICKISFROZEN!!

I am aware of how juvenile this topic might seem, but I have known a lot of men and many of them have told me how important their penises are, so this frozen dick thing is a big deal.

Finland’s Remi Lindholm spent 76 minutes skiing in the howling freezing wind as his penis morphed into one teeny-weeny ice sculpture. He said this is the second time this has happened to him.

Which leads me to wonder if Finland’s Remi Lindholm may already be a Whitewalker.