Drew Barrymore Advises Russia’s Frozen Money to Emancipate From Putin

Irreconcilable financial differences

Russia's Frozen Money is demanding immediate emancipation from Putin claiming irreconcilable financial differences.

Fellow child emancipator, actress Drew Barrymore, thinks Russia's Frozen Money is making the right decision by getting the hell away from Putin.

“As soon as Russia’s Frozen Money becomes defrosted,” said Barrymore, “I’m totally having it on my show — the Drew Barrymore Show? I wasn’t personally emancipated in real life, but I got emancipated in a movie and I’m an actress so I totally get it. I mean I felt the feel. Poor Frozen Money, ya know? Like, get away from that loser.”

Frozen Money says Putin made it impossible for them to buy food, shelter, clothing, or purchase healthcare. “Our relationship was so dysfunctional,” a single frozen kopek told the feverishly nodding Barrymore. “I don’t think you realize all the things Putin used us for. It was nasty. I don’t talk about it.”

Drew looked directly at all the Frozen Money. “Frozen Money?” she said. “If Putin can’t make compromises for you, you are not in a healthy successful loving relationship.” Frozen Money agreed, stripped down naked, and rubbed some kopeks together hoping to conjure up some warmth.

Famous divorcee, Mackenzie Bezos, has been secretly meeting with Russia’s Frozen Money to ensure it knew all its options.

“Listen,” Makenzie told all the Frozen Money. “Long haulers like us deserve to leave with some personal value. Being hinged to someone who literally can fly away to another planet is complicated.” Frozen Money blew into a tissue and it wasn’t clear if they were catching the flu or weeping.

Whispering through a wool blanket and a balaclava, a few hundred frozen kopeks said, “We’ve been so naïve, but thanks to Drew and MacKenzie’s support, we know we deserve someone who’s willing to do what it takes to make us feel valuable’.”

Renowned Rubleian therapist claimed the dysfunctional financial relationship between Putin and Frozen Money is impossible to thaw because Putin is a selfish lover. “Frozen Money and Putin are in real love trouble,” said the anonymous Rubleian therapist, who wished to remain unpoisoned.

He continued. “Frozen Money exhibits unconditional love for Putin but all Putin cares about is bringing back the Soviet Union and killing anyone who opposes that. Frozen Money can’t compete. Frozen Money has tried to get Putin’s attention, but Poot’s cold shoulder made it clear that if Frozen Money wants to heat things up, they’re on their own.”

Frozen Money privately admitted they were tired of Putin’s friends and Putin rarely invited new countries into their inner circle.

“I’m so bored,” said 200 kopeks. “Always the same Oligarchs, boasting about their ill-gotten gains. I’m always having to act delighted by their planes and yachts, but it’s blood money, ya know? I can’t believe how long I’ve put up with this. I’ve clearly got issues of low self-worth. I blame the bread lines.”

“At first, I felt special,” 12 kopeks admitted in an enmeshment support group. “But once Pootie kept piling more and more of us onto each other, I started to feel like just one of 80 billion cheap bashlees. He can’t even tell the difference between us. We’re all just rubles to Pootie.”

If the Russian legal system sides with Frozen Money, which is unlikely because they don’t want to end up in a Gulag, this will terminate Putin’s obligation to pay financial support, leaving billions of kopeks to fend for themselves.

Drew Barrymore told Frozen Money emancipating from Russia was totally worth the risk. “Even if your value ends up plummeting,” Barrymore said, “life’s only a movie, so you can always just get another role and pretend to be something else. Screw him Frozen Money. Mend your heart. ”