How to Be Unmindful

Follow your inner unbalance

“My First Buddha” by skatoolaki is licensed under CC BY-SA 2.0

Mindfulness is overrated. When you’re mindful, someone else is becoming productive, wealthy, and dating all the available people out there.

While you’re sitting on your ass, pondering your navel, and lowering your blood pressure, someone else is jumping out of an airplane, flooding the stock market, and winning millions in Vegas weeklong poker games.

Don’t be the guy who got work life balance. Be the wide awake anxiety afflicted asshole, who’s retiring at 35 with a pool and a third wife. Here’s how:

  1. Find your peripheral. Finding your center is easy. It’s right in the middle. It’s around your belly button. But, if your long-legged, it might be near your hips. If your legs are extremely short, your center may be at your nipple line. The important thing is everyone’s center is different. Also, your peripheral covers more surface area, so it’s easier to find.

  2. Compare yourself to others. You want to be driven, right? Not balanced? Balance is for scales and fulcrums. Are you a fulcrum? No, you’re a human. And if you’re paying attention, a lot of people are accomplishing things you haven’t even heard of. So while you’re chilling out to your faux buddha, ask yourself, do you know anything about Buddha? If the answer is no, why is he sitting on your coffee table?

  3. Clutter the shit out of your environment. If you live in one of those Marie Kondo houses, you will never find unmindfulness. I realize that’s harsh, but I’m saving you a lifetime of pain. If you want to reach ultimate unmindfulness, leave your socks on the floor, save all your mail, and don't throw away holiday cards.
    Also, who knows when you’re going to need that receipt again? So, save all your receipts, magazines, junk mail, and post-it notes. Maybe one day, you’ll make a museum-worthy collage. Greedy-art-hating mindfulness closes down the possibility of your becoming a famous folk artist. Rude.

  4. Chew on a raisin as fast as you can. I went to a mindful workshop once. They forced us to chew on a raisin slowly. It was extremely competitive, and people were excessively braggy about eating a raisin in over 15 minutes. I popped mine like a Xanax and left. Then I went home and chugged a case of La Croix. Time is money. Pick up the pace, people.

  5. Slurp and drink quickly. If you’re drinking a beverage, make sure you’re taking one sip per second. Drink so fast that you can’t even taste it. Drinks are not perfume, people. There is no reason to soak liquid in your mouth and contemplate its aromatic qualities. That only collects bacteria. Yuck. Sip, slurp, gulp, repeat.

  6. Answer phone calls from people who make you crazy. Especially from people with annoying barky voices and ones who call to vent. Keep your phone directly next to your ear during Shavasana. Besides, you shouldn’t be doing yoga if you want to be unmindful. Instead, stand up and bang your head against a wall like a normal person.

  7. Go to the beach. You may think going to the beach and looking at the water is terrible for unmindfulness. Don’t worry about that. When you go to the beach, sit right next to the entrance, so people have to walk over you when they enter. This will interrupt your serenity which is a great way to break up your ravenously mellow brainwaves. If the entrance isn’t available for sitting, find some eleven-year-old boys smacking each other with pool noodles and set up near them.

Unmindfulness is coming, people, so you might as well get on the bus. And when you get on the bus, sit behind the bus driver and repeatedly ask if you’re there yet. All I’m saying is to pay it forward. Don’t be greedy. Unmindfulness is for sharing.