How to Cure Hoarding Through Extravagant Shopping

If you spend more, you will have less

These are sneakers. You wear them to walk around. They are $845. They don’t make you faster. They look like but do not act like orthotics. They are hideous for the price. They also have teeth instead of soles. You have to buy a pair so the teeth can chew on dog poop and grass while you walk.

This is a used hoodie. It belonged to someone else before you, so it is not new. It costs $110. The letters are cracked, but people will think you are rich, and your status will be elevated at your fancy prep school. Until some girl comes up to you and says, “Like, oh my God. Is that used?” Then you will feel stupid and poor again.

These are ugly leggings. They cost $890. If you’re not a mannequin, they will make you look fat. If you are a table, you will have to cut out the crotch to cover you. If you are a chef, these are perfect, soft, and yet, they completely lose their value if you spill anything on them, which never happens in a kitchen.

This is a t-shirt. It costs $1,225. The D costs $600. The G costs $600. The white t-shirt costs $25. It is very soft, but you cannot eat while wearing it because it is white. You cannot play tennis in it because sweat stains will devalue the armpits. You can sit there and play with your letters. That is all. Enjoy.

These are socks. You put them on your feet and then put shoes on top of them. These socks were previously assaulted by beads and buttons. The $905 it costs to purchase them is to pay for their therapy. They are confused about what they are. Are they a sock? Are they an old woman’s pincushion?

These items cost too much. It is absurd how much they cost. However, if you are a hoarder and looking to scale down, you should buy them. If you buy them, you will not be able to afford anything else. So, hoarders, that is how you cure hoarding.