There is so much clickbait for women over 50. There is always some photo of a well-preserved 50-to-70-year-old woman, with promises to share her secrets on how to look like her.
This lovely snake oil saleswoman is dying to tell the over-50s everything they are doing wrong — all the ways they’re screwing up and making themselves look like King Tut, oldie tut.
Cut your hair, the snake oil woman says, showing us alarming Meg Ryan who had the audacity to age!
Eat less food. More food makes your cells tired and your cells can’t focus on collagen and digestion. Pick your battles.
Eat more food. Fat hides your wrinkles. Natural Botox.
No more avocados. More avocados. Buy an avocado farm or raid Oprah’s avocado farm. Something about avocados. Think about avocados. Wear avocados.
Less-or-more sex. The clickbait on this is inconclusive. If sex makes you happy, it may help you look younger. If sex makes you tired, you may look sleepy, which makes you look older. Pick a partner who won’t exhaust you but opens your pores enough to release the toxins and the Krakens.
Bike, don’t run. Running doesn’t work post-collagen knees. But, don’t bike into traffic. If you break a hip, recovery will be slow for you, oldie tut.
Weightlifting. Don’t buy your own weights. You’ll end up selling them on Craigslist and people who buy weights on Craigslist will bonk you on the head and steal your weights.
Stop dying your hair. It’s aging it.
Dye your hair immediately. You look old.
Lie about your age. Start counting backward from 50. By the time you’re 60, you’ll be 40. It’s fuzzy math, but optimistic math.
Meet younger friends so you can lower your age average.
Don’t stand next to your younger friends. Stand in front or behind them, or squat behind them.
Start flirting again. It’ll take years off your life.
Stop flirting, you’re too good at it. No one will be able to resist you. So much experience.
No bangs. Bangs. Bangs are inconclusive at any age.
Drink four gallons of water daily even if you spend 12 hours a day peeing.
Eat a Mediterranean diet — you need vegetables. Your minerals are coming out with your 12 hours of peeing.
Indulge in the Popeye’s fried chicken diet — you need oil for your crickety crackedy complexion and jiggedy jaggedy bones.
Wear pale lipstick to hide your old-lady lips.
Wear bright red lipstick — screw you, pale lipstick.
Join a gym. Quit the gym, life is short, go dancing. Eat donuts. Ladies choice.
No more reading articles about how to look twenty. Twenty was awful. You sucked when you were twenty. You were a single-celled moronism and it’s amazing you lasted this long without being canceled.