I'm You're Vaccine Co-Pilot

Moderna, Pfizer, J and J, I gotcha

Hey man, I’m your co-pilot. I know this is your first trip down vaccination lane but I got you, man. I’ve been there. I’ve walked in your shoes. Doubles dosed. I’ve flown with your wings. I’ve swum around in your RNA magical flotsam. Let me guide you.

There are a lot of names for me. Designated driver, witness, shaman, sherpa, trip-sitter, co-pilot. But you can call me Al. Before we begin, you need to turn off your cellphone and any other personal electronic devices during this experience.

It’s crucial we protect your serenity and not allow Google to access your brain during our expedition. Bill Gates can hear everything, so we need to shut that shit down. This is your journey, man! No stowaways are allowed to interrupt your tour. It’s your prana man. Protect it.

The important thing is that you don’t flip out. Don’t lead the journey with your fear and anxiety about experiences you heard other people had. Just got Joe Blow barfed doesn’t mean you will. Just cause Cindy Lou had a fever doesn’t mean you’ll heat up. Your side effects are your side effects. Don’t placebo out, man. Be here, now.

It’s really important you don’t mix drugs, man. Don’t predose yourself before you enter that little vaccine room, pumped up on neurotransmitters like serotonin, dopamine, norepinephrine, and gamma-aminobutyric acid. That shit’ll fuck you up. Just stick with the drug we’re doing today. Don’t get greedy.

Baby steps. This is hot coal man. This is lava. I’m your blanket. I’m your cool water. I’m who you look at when shit gets freaky.

So, remember this. When you get your appointment at Walgreens, Marianos, or one of those Mass Vaccination sights, I’ll be there. All you have to do is call.

And I think it goes without saying, but I want to reassure you anyway. I will be totally vaccine sober when you’re on your quest. I am your witness man, not your drug buddy.