iPhone 14 Coming Soon

Mysterious new upgrades revealed

by Wicker Paradise is licensed under CC BY 2.0

No. It does not come with a vaccine. Yes, the iPhone 14 is linked to the NSA. Yes. It gives you dopamine bursts whenever you send hate emails, click on negative images, or say anything positive about the Leader of the iPhone.

Who is the Leader of the iPhone and is the iPhone 14 really coming in dog color?

by Randy Son Of Robert is licensed under CC BY 2.0

What is dog color and can I pet my new iPhone? Do I already pet my new iPhone? Is it okay to pet my iPhone and does my iPhone count as a service animal?

Does the new iPhone 14 come with 5G or 7G? Is 7G the thing that is going to kill me or is it 5G? Am I already dying?

If I get the 7G iPhone 14, will my kid turn into an asshole, or is my kid already an asshole?

“Kid” by Charles Haynes is licensed under CC BY-SA 2.0

Can I swim with iPhone 14 stuffed in my swimsuit and does getting my iPhone 14 wet make it dryer?

Will I no longer get soaking wet when I swim with my iPhone 14 because the NSA technology it uses to spy on me also keeps me dry?

If I shower with my iPhone 14, will it make the water go back into the sprayer and clog my shower?

Will the iPhone 17 fix my shower or will I already be dead by the time it arrives?

by klimari1 (JUST SHOOT IT! Photography) is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND 2.0

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Disclaimer — No iPhones were murdered for this blog entry. Everything I obtained about the new iPhone 14 and 7G was gathered from my witch brain. No iPhone tech people were bedded to collect this confidential data.