Since my family has been spending 24 hours a day together, I’ve realized how many life skills my son hasn't acquired in his 12 long years.
When I was his age, I could change a tire. It was my Tonka truck’s tire, but it was a tire. My son never had a Tonka truck. He had Rescue Bots. Maybe that was the problem. He had dolls. I had wheels.
My son doesn’t know how to work the laundry machine, turn on the dishwasher, and today, I realized he doesn’t know how to use a bottle opener. I noticed it after he couldn't find a key lime La Croix.
We're out of La Croix, my son said. Do we have anything else? That statement would have gotten his ass kicked in the Chicago public school of my youth.
There are some fizzy waters in the garage, I said, failing him. Water from the tap would have been my own mother’s response.
He returned from the garage carrying an intricate glass bottle of fizzy water — something my own mother would have put wildflowers in.
Can you open it? he asked.
Open it yourself, I said, patting myself on the back. He started twisting the lid.
You need a bottle opener, I said. He looked at me blankly, like I said ‘you need a flux capacitor.’
You know how to use a bottle opener, right? I said, cringing. Who was this kid’s mother? Melania Trump? Paris Hilton?
Yeah, he said. Of course, I do.
I pulled a bottle opener out of the drawer and handed it to him.
I can’t exactly explain what my son did with the opener, but he looked like he was trying to use it like a can opener. I’d never seen him open a can. I was impressed.
I took the opener from him, held onto the bottle’s neck, and exhibited how to open a bottle by hooking the tooth to catch the underside of the cap. I handed it back to him to see if my lesson took.
He attempted to imitate my gesture but over-dramatically like when Lucy was pretending to make chocolate at the chocolate factory. Her gestures were similar, but it was all wrong.
Watching him, I became concerned I’d be cleaning up blood soon, so I finished the task of opening the bottle. I had failed as a mother. That was clear as fizzy water.
Oh my god, I said to my husband. We need to teach this kid how to open a bottle. That is a necessary life skill.
Why is it a life skill? my husband asked. The only reason anyone needs to open a bottle is for pop or for beer. No one's life was saved by opening a can of beer or a Coca-Cola. My husband watches Survivor. He would know.
Raising a kid in these wild electronic Wally-Esque times is perplexing. What do children need to know how to do? Fish are served up cheaply at drive-through windows. No need to learn to fish. Fire comes out of a lighter and where do you buy flint anyway? Home Depot? Water has been replaced by La Croix so no need to find a healthy stream. Velcro has replaced knots. Why tie a knot when you can rip a strip? As far as hunting and trapping, you can purchase a gun at Walmart.
I don’t know how to be a mother these days. But, at the very least, everyone should know how to open a beer or a pop. In these tough times, everybody needs a drink.
Hey Amy! Nice to get this pre new years treat from you. It rings a bell with me. My son is 16 and I just taught him how to change a tire. He knows nothing. That's on me. Lazy Dadding. Always a joy to read your stuff. How do you like Sub Stack. I wonder if I should give it a try.
Anyhow, you're a great Mom I just know it.
Happy New Year,
Simon Black