JLo is Not Like the Rest of Us

Because she has a job

https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=82090181 adapted by Canva, science, wealth, DNA and unknown filters

Famous people are not like the rest of us. I know this because when JLo requested me as a friend on Facebook, I had an orgasm. Not because I’m attracted to JLo. I have no idea if I’m attracted to JLo.

How can you tell if you’re attracted to an airbrushed person? Is there some sort of reverse filter you can use? Like when you wake up after a one-night stand and the beer goggles are off and you’re like, “Holy shit! You’re a saber-toothed orangutan and your chest hair is made of waffles?”

What does JLo really look like? Oh my God, what if JLo looks like me? I’m obsessed with her and I have no idea why. I don’t think it’s mutual, although I think if we met, she’d welcome me into her entourage.

I’d be her weird friend — her qualifier that she’s just like other people. “See?” she’d say to her paparazzi, hanging me over the balcony from my onesie, “I’m just like everyone else.”

I feel like if I were sitting next to JLo, she would touch my face with her baby-soft gilded fingers and ask, “What kind of burlap is your skin?” I’m not saying she’s mean, but if Cleopatra and Antony sat next to JLo at a Plutarch lecture, Cleo’d definitely hide Antony under her toga until JLo left.

The other reason famous people are not like the rest of us is they think it’s a big deal they work hard. Like the rest of us are sitting around digging pearls out of oyster shells and figuring out what thong we should wear to The Rock’s shiny muscle party.

Everyone I know works hard, especially people without jobs who have to work even harder to prove they're not lazy. JLo goes on tv and all Queen-of- Englandy says, “People have no idea how hard I work for everything I have.”

Have you seen Lady Gaga’s acceptance speech on YouTube? She wept. “This award was really really really hard to get,” she said, Bradley Cooper’s soaking wet ocean blue eyes reflecting back at her like Narcissus’s pond. She was holding up an Oscar.

Do you know what a regular person would be holding up when they gave that speech? A babysitter and a Popeye’s chicken sandwich.

I don’t hate famous people. They’re a great distraction from my dishes and laundry. Am I attracted to JLo? That’s not the question. The question is, “How do I get Bradley Cooper to friend me on Facebook?” Not because I’m not attracted to Bradley Cooper. Oh, no wait. I am totally attracted to Bradley Cooper.