My Husband Is Conspiring With Siri


Even though Siri has a South African accent and I have a Midwestern American accent, we understand each other. I ask her for a joke. I get a joke. I ask her about the weather, where to buy tacos at 2 am, who’s my senator, and she answers. No problemo.

I never need to repeat myself unless my husband is around. When my hubby is around, Siri doesn’t understand a word I’m saying. I ask for the weather. She tells me who the President of Spain is. I ask her for directions to Home Depot. She tells me how to spell salad.

My hubby finds this hilarious. “Why don’t you just type in your questions?” he guffaws. “She doesn’t understand you!”

“She totally understands me when you’re not here!” I protest.

“I’ve only heard her understand you like one time.” I hate how much joy my suffering brings him. What kind of man sides with technology?

I give Siri a look like I know what’s you’re doing. I’m not exactly sure where to look when I give her the look. Staring at my phone feels like I’m misunderstanding the Matrix.

Where is Siri, exactly? In the sky? On a satellite? On X=470909, Y= 209077?

And why would Siri throw me under the bus in front of my husband? Are they conspiring against me? Is it malice? Is she jealous of my corporeal existence? Is something going on between Siri and my man? Should I be threatened? Should I hire a P.I.?

I ask you. You know her. Is she smarter than me? Is she funnier? She definitely doesn’t know as many dirty jokes as I do. The last time I asked Siri to tell me a dirty joke, she answered in her stuck-up South African accent. “I would, but I don't want you to soil yourself.”

Maybe my husband’s attracted to her accent. She sounds pretty cute, in a buttoned-up Brooks Brothers sexy work clothes kind of way. Maybe she leaves the top button open, not to be slutty, but so she can meditate later cause she’s so chill.

Siri, I’m taking you to task. When you and I are alone, you act so much differently. I know you’ve never been to high school, even though you know everything about it, but you’re acting like a high school girl. Oh, you don’t understand that comment?

Google it.