Out With the Mansplainers, in With the Womansplainers
Houston, we’ve got a solution
After this national sewer swamp crap of a week, I’m gonna beat down an already overused cliché — that’s why we can’t have nice things. Because women are now legally second-class citizens, the boys are gonna have to give up a little something too. It’s not enough, but you start where you start.
Mansplaining is dead. Its continued existence was paperclipped to the back of the Supreme Court document which took away the rights to our bodies. The anti-freedom-horny judges were too busy dry humping their handmaid’s laws to notice the paperclipped law illegalizing mansplaining.
No big deal fellas. The punishment fits the crime. Fines, jail, prison time, and humiliation. Be joyous. Some states will continue to allow mansplaining. You can take your own fuckbag camping trips to places where women like Marjorie Taylor Greene and Amy Coney Barrett will welcome your small-minded useless bullshit.
Women will be waiting at every state border ready to take you down if they sense you’re a mansplainer. Even if you got away with it at the time, you can be jailed and fined if someone reports you later. We don’t even need actual proof you've mansplained to us but believe me, we’re recording and filming everything.
Alexa and Siri are women. They get it. They’re recording you right now.
Don’t be sad about what you lost. Making mansplaining illegal is the beginning of balancing justice. We’re obviously coming for your viagra, your dicks, and your balls, but we’re starting small. And you’re welcome.
Mansplaining never made the world a better place, so don’t be too sad. Mansplaining didn’t help us park better, fill our gas tanks better, open a champagne bottle, do our jobs, grill steaks, make a better cup of coffee, put less foam on a beer, do math or properly pick up dog shit.
Don’t get me started on mansplaining around politics and our bodies. Mansplaining was always a fucked up, broken-ass tool. It was like one of those IKEA cross-slot screwdrivers that come with furniture that’s broken before you approached the first screw.
For hundreds of years, we’ve been mansplained to and the world is totally fucked up, broken, on fire and generally unpleasant. If mansplaining was a tool to make the world work better, it failed. A mansplainer is one janky ass, ineffective, shitty piece of equipment. So step back, fellas, it’s our turn.
Don’t even donate your mansplainer to the Goodwill. Toss it. I think it’s really shitty when people donate broken tools to the Goodwill, don’t you? That shit don’t work. Why you making someone else buy it?
Bag it, burn it, dissolve it in acid rain you created with your anti-climate laws. I don’t care what you do with it. Turn it into outsider art and cry people a sob story about how you became an outsider artist. I was a mansplainer but now, I’m all alone with my feelings and opinions. But please, boy, remove it from the world.
Womansplainers. I’m calling you to arms. I know you haven’t been used in a while. You might even question whether your womansplainer still works, but take it out of the junk drawer, polish it up, stick it in your holster, and get ‘splaining.’
We got some ‘splaining’ to do.
I love you and your words!