Hello friends and readers,
I apologize for my sudden disappearance from my Newsletter. I hope you were not too concerned.
As you know, UFOs have been circling the earth for a few weeks now and I was abducted by several of them. Communication was down and one ship had no idea what the other ship was up to. I’m actually pretty relieved aliens are as disorganized as we earthlings are, but I could have used less probing.
Anyway, their ships are pretty cool and they said they could do me a favor since they inconvenienced me so much. I gave them a list of people to abduct and they promised they’d get to it ASAP. I hope they’re more efficient with abducting assholes than they were with abducting me repeatedly. One can only hope.
Following this letter, I hope I am not abducted again, but in the meantime, I am sending you a HOW TO essay.
Probed but still here,