Science has found a new purpose for Superman and everybody’s happy. He’s being used for imaging. It turns out that Superman’s eyes aren’t the only part of his body that can take X-rays. Patients everywhere are shooting their wad to pay for the experience.
“It makes X-rays more pleasant,” said one euphoric soccer mom. “I used to skip my mammograms because I hated getting my boobs smashed in a vice. But now, Superman makes the whole breast-crushing experience so lovely. He gently takes one of my girls at a time into his gigantic hands, presses them down slowly, and then shoots them with his laser vision. It‘s titillating. Now I get my mammos weekly. Insurance doesn’t cover it, but I’m a happier person, so I’m saving tons of money on therapy and CBD gummies.”
“In the past, I hated getting dental X-rays,” said an older lady with a big ass smile on her face. “The dental hygenist always says, “It’s no big deal. It won’t hurt a bit.” But what do those fluorescent white, horse tooth, Colgate models know about the agony of gingivitis and rotting teeth? X-rays feel like someone is jamming a horseshoe in my mouth and telling me to stay there until I’ve been branded. When the hygenist pulled me aside and told me if I slipped her $500, Superman could X-ray my whole mouth with his tongue, I dumped my entire purse onto the metal tray. I even took off my gold retirement watch to make sure I was covered.”
“I got an irregular pap smear recently,” said a millennial, who couldn’t stop giggling. “I was really freaked out, but when they told me Superman could do the imagining, I was intrigued. Obamacare said it wasn’t covered, but when Superman walked into the Examination Room with a fully erect laser penis, I knew I’d made the right decision. Talk out searching every nook and cranny. I think he checked everywhere. I feel properly probed and I gave the medical practice five stars on Yelp.”
I know what you’re thinking. How could we use this Alien miracle from another planet as a sex toy? All I can say, without divulging any alien technological secrets is this.
Probing is two way street. You’re welcome Superman.