Putin Is That Guy Who Can’t Get a Date, So He Makes Everybody Else’s Life Miserable
She’s not that into you
Whenever I watch Putin on the news, I think dude, she’s not that into you. And when I say she, dude, I mean everybody you’re not blackmailing or threatening to soak in uranium.
You gotta give the guy credit though. Putin went for it. He approached the straw-haired tanned orange cheerleader and he asked her said “I’ll stop the world and melt with you.” And she bit. He played out every high school boy’s fantasy to get the straw-haired orange girl to be a dictator with him.
And Putin had not only been a loser before that moment. He had been a haunted loser. He had never forgotten standing there on the second-floor landing of his high school, watching in horror as his Senior buddy Gorby got shut down, very publicly by the cheerleader he’d asked to prom.
That cheerleader reached her pom-poms out in front of her, creating a distance between her and Gorby. Then, when the whole school was watching, she said, “Mr. Gorbachev. I’m putting up a wall and if you cross it, I’m getting a restraining order.”
That image was singed into Putin’s brain. Ever since that moment, all Putin wanted was to date a cheerleader and for the whole world to know he was having sex with her.
Fast forward 2016. Enter new girl. She seemed acutely dumb and watching her make fun of the disabled kids, he could see she had no moral compass. He thought, “Shit, man. This is my chance. I’m in.”
By the end of the summer, they were like ramma lamma lamma ka dinga da dinga dong. Even when her friends told her, “Putin’s using you for sex,” the dumb morally reprehensible cheerleader told her squad, “He told me if I stuck with him, he’d help me become Miss Universe. I don’t see any reason he would lie to me.”
Unfortunately for Putin, a new school year started and his stupid morally damnable head cheerleader made some disgusting choices down on the boardwalk and a new shiny virginal head cheerleader usurped her throne.
Sweet as Pie Joseph Biden, with his droopy old pom-poms, took the high school in a different direction. She was a little old for top high school cheerleader, had been held back a couple of years, but she didn’t look like she would murder anyone on 5th avenue and that had its charm.
Biden declared to the whole high school, at a huge all-school mandatory pep rally, that Putin had cooties, crabs, COVID, criminal elements, civil rights abuses. Biden said to the other pom-pom claspers, “Putin is the absolute worst!” They all glared at Putin and squealed, “Ewww!!!”
Putin tried to help his disgraced girl stay in power. He started rumors about Biden. He killed a couple of people. He shut down the high school paper. He stalked his classmates and blackmailed them. He sent a group of underclassmen to the principal’s office to vandalize the place and tried to say it was Biden’s squad who did it. Havoc, man. Putin wreaked total adolescent havoc.
Anywho, I totally think Biden will take Ukraine to prom this year. So bye-bye poo-poo Putin and hello yowza Ukraine. That’s high school man, flip flop. Deal with it.