I know what people are saying about me. That I went to rock concerts. I attended orgies. I hosted a maskless New Years' Eve party where people had to lick my lips to enter and exit.
Perez Hilton has been Twittering all sorts of crap about me, like “Who hasn’t Amy Sea been in contact with?” But it’s not true, Perez. It’s fake news created to cast suspicion on the amazing miracle of my catching COVID without having contact with one human being.
On NPR, they ran a special story claiming, “Amy Sea has been going out in the world and living her life like COVID isn’t the Black Plague.” Those smug commentators needed a scapegoat. Someone to calm their already intellectually sedated audience.
I have news for you heretics. I am the first known case of immaculate infection of COVID and I can prove it.
I haven’t left my house in decades. I still wash my groceries in Chlorox and hydroxychloroquine. When people knock on my door, I throw water balloons filled with horse dewormers on their unsuspecting noggins. When friends, families, and extended car warranty people call me, I trace their calls for potential variants.
I stopped traveling years before COVID because I saw this coming. I’ve been living off of Potbellies curbside pick-up since March 2019. And, no, I don’t open my window when the jolly masked worker brings me my bag.
I make those infectors leave the sandwich beside the car. I dump the contents of the bag into a sealed organ cooler, dressed in a full-body quarantine space suit.
When I arrive home, I lather up my suit and sandwich in my shower that I converted into a deCOVID firehose. I wait two days until I open my delicious lunch. It’s stale but incapable of infecting me.
I know what you’re thinking. No one with COVID is a COVID virgin. No one can immaculately conceive this contagious disease, but you would be wrong. I am the second coming. I am the COVID carrier who never laid down with the disease but conceived it anyway.
I’m not looking to be worshipped. I’m just a woman, infected with the COVID, resigned to my fate. Hold on. Someone’s at my door. Oh my god, it’s the New Year’s Eve lip lickers. Hello!!! They’re back for more. Let me go slather some honey onto my succulent mouth. I gotta go seal all my windows and burn all my masks. Party on COVID. Party on.