The Peloton Murders

Stop raging against the machine, you lunatic

Photo by SHVETS production from Pexels

It was inevitable. Peloton killed local gyms. How couldn’t it have? People no longer have to hold in their farts, belches, stenches, or gnarly sweat. Exercisers don’t have to put on something flattering to hide their less desirable parts. It’s all bras and granny pants in your basement, people. Who can say no to that?

The problem is, killing the local gyms wasn’t enough for Peloton bikes. Oh, no. They went off the rails!

The bikes turned murderous, and no one can say why. Peloton bikes have been spotted offing personal fitness instructors on their HIIT rides. They’re unhinging from their base stations and running down personal trainers in the streets. It’s reeking carnage.

These physically superior humans are forced to hide their sexy muscles by tossing out their Lululemon and disguising their hot bods. In a sauna at an undisclosed location, an instructor told me this was the most terrifying training cycle of her life.

“I’m used to getting dirty looks because I’m 50 and look 20, but being run down by a riderless bike is like Stephen King took over the fitness world. I’m terrified.

“We’re really embarrassed, as a fitness community” said James Foley, the CEO of Peloton. “It didn’t occur to us that our bikes needed mental health support, but it’s clear now. What with all the murders.”

“What Foley didn’t rule in,” said Ex-Gym Teacher turned Mental Health Guru, Cuckoo Pecktatoes, “was all the DNA Peloton riders were sweating onto their bikes. The bikes were absorbing all that rage, that anxiety, that family mental health history. It was too much. Even for an inanimate object. Well, it’s animate now, baby, and it’s as unhappy as its unhappiest rider.”

“It’s one big stinky crime scene,” said Detective Buttcheeks. “People don’t realize what a socio-emotional epidemic exercise is. These perps sit their miserable asses on their boutique bikes, not realizing the effect they’re having on the Peloton bikes. I have cops who won’t even go to Peloton crime scenes anymore. They have families. They don’t want that kind of negative crap affecting their children.”

“You know what bothers me the most?” said a Peloton rider who insists she only does low impact rides and yoga. “I have friends who do two HIIT rides a day. A day! They brag about farting, burping, and weeping on their bikes while they’re riding. I don’t say anything, but I feel sorry for that poor bike. It’s tragic. Namaste.”

Psychologists and criminologists can’t figure out why Peloton bikes are lashing out at personal trainers instead of murdering their riders. Their working theory is it’s a case of transference because the bikes are actually afraid of their riders.

“I think this isn’t going to stop,” said Detective Buttcheeks, “until one of those bikes kills its rider. Until then, those muscle rippling, stinky, sweaty, foxy people can pretend it’s not their responsibility. I’m not saying I want anyone killed, but if it stops the madness, I’m okay with that.”

Peloton has done its part by offering online counseling to all of its bikes. The first six sessions are free on a trial basis, but then the bikes have to join for a 49.99 monthly fee, and a minimum two-year commitment.