Amy’s Newsletter

Share this post
United Asks Flight Attendants Not to Tape Passengers to Seats
amy7f9.substack.com

United Asks Flight Attendants Not to Tape Passengers to Seats

Ripped from the headlines

Amy Culberg
Aug 24, 2021
Share this post
United Asks Flight Attendants Not to Tape Passengers to Seats
amy7f9.substack.com

I did it! I got duct-taped to an airplane seat on my Frontier flight! My dominatrix is so proud. I wasn’t sure I was brave enough or offensive enough to get the old duct tape subduer, but who’s the man now?

It’s a delicate balance. You don’t want to overdo it and get shot on an airplane, but you need to do enough for the crew to pull out the Saran Wrap.

I didn’t even know about the duct tape option. That was a delightful surprise. Talk about getting taped down more than you could chew your way out of. Did you see my video?

They needed 6 people to control me. I was swinging and groping and swearing. I’m an athlete. I know how to leave it all on the tarmac.

My greatest challenge was that people in this country had gotten so out of control it’s hard to keep up. I was afraid the crew wouldn’t even notice me, just like in stupid high school. No matter how many poop fires I started outside my classmates’ front doors, I was the invisible man. But look at me now. 

When I called my dad from jail, I told him the world he grew up in had changed. “Dad,” I said. “This ain’t the 1800s. People don’t dress up for airplane rides anymore. We, the people, get shit-faced. We punch flight attendants. We piss in ashtrays.” I think he heard me cause he was crying. I hope one day I have a son who makes me that proud.

That’s why I was so frightened. I wanted to make my dad proud and people take craps on the airplane food carts now. How could I compete with that?

To prepare me for my naughty behavior, my dominatrix suggested I do some research. Something about knowing your history so you can come up with your own genre of chaos. You can see why she’s the boss.

Anyway, she referred me to a Cosmopolitan article where someone interviewed flight crews about the worst thing they’d ever seen in an airplane. https://www.cosmopolitan.com/uk/entertainment/travel/a9643441/cabin-crew-reveal-worst-things-people-said/

  1. Used sanitary pads on the seat-that ain’t sanitary. I ain’t doing that. Get it?

  2. Frozen prawns in luggage-what the hell is a prawn? Sounds foreign.

  3. Yelling out drinks orders and awaiting delivery-I did that.

  4. Dead fish full of maggots in the overhead locker-sounds complicated.

  5. Baby pooped on the floor-like MJ said, “the dude is not my son.”

  6. Man pissed in a paper cup and asked the flight attendant to discard it-I mean, brilliant. I’d shake that guy's hand, but it’s probably covered in piss.

  7. Slept walk into the bathroom, naked-next time, baby, next time. If they ever let me fly again, I’m nude man walking.

  8. Asked to get off the plane because the pilot was female-wait, hookers can fly planes?

  9. Put their baby in the overhead luggage cabin-like I said, never had a baby. That girl’s lying like a rug.

Man, when I read this list, it reminded me of that time a cop pulled me over cause I was drunk. He said, “Slow down, boy. All your heroes are dead.” Not true. Mine are all alive and well, flying Southwest, United, Frontier, Delta, and Aer Lingus.

I don’t know if you saw my viral video, but I’m the man now which is awesome because I blew my college golf scholarship. The Dean said, “You’re not a role model anymore.” But, I’m like, “Maybe I’m not your role model, you institutional tool, but I am somebodies moron. I mean role model.”

The whole duct-tape event happened because my dominatrix found out I was attending University on a golf scholarship. She was disgusted. She threw up in her hand and made me eat it. “That’s not a sport!” she said in her sexy Russian accent. “You need to do something really naughty, or you’re dead to me.”

When she found out I was charged with 3 counts of battery, ouu wee, she gave me a free session. But then, when she saw my viral video where I was bragging about my parents being worth more than two million dollars and my grandma being worth more than the plane, she ended up sending me a big bill.

I should have kept that money part to myself. Now even my barista charges me 20 bucks for a regular coffee. Just as long as people keep thinking of me as rich and superior, I can take being overcharged. See you in the friendly skies. Bring your duct tape.

Sources: 

https://www.cosmopolitan.com/uk/entertainment/travel/a9643441/cabin-crew-reveal-worst-things-people-said/

Share this post
United Asks Flight Attendants Not to Tape Passengers to Seats
amy7f9.substack.com
Comments

Create your profile

0 subscriptions will be displayed on your profile (edit)

Skip for now

Only paid subscribers can comment on this post

Already a paid subscriber? Sign in

Check your email

For your security, we need to re-authenticate you.

Click the link we sent to , or click here to sign in.

TopNewCommunity

No posts

Ready for more?

© 2022 Amy Culberg
Privacy ∙ Terms ∙ Collection notice
Publish on Substack Get the app
Substack is the home for great writing