United Asks Flight Attendants Not to Tape Passengers to Seats

Ripped from the headlines

I did it! I got duct-taped to an airplane seat on my Frontier flight! My dominatrix is so proud. I wasn’t sure I was brave enough or offensive enough to get the old duct tape subduer, but who’s the man now?

It’s a delicate balance. You don’t want to overdo it and get shot on an airplane, but you need to do enough for the crew to pull out the Saran Wrap.

I didn’t even know about the duct tape option. That was a delightful surprise. Talk about getting taped down more than you could chew your way out of. Did you see my video?

They needed 6 people to control me. I was swinging and groping and swearing. I’m an athlete. I know how to leave it all on the tarmac.

My greatest challenge was that people in this country had gotten so out of control it’s hard to keep up. I was afraid the crew wouldn’t even notice me, just like in stupid high school. No matter how many poop fires I started outside my classmates’ front doors, I was the invisible man. But look at me now. 

When I called my dad from jail, I told him the world he grew up in had changed. “Dad,” I said. “This ain’t the 1800s. People don’t dress up for airplane rides anymore. We, the people, get shit-faced. We punch flight attendants. We piss in ashtrays.” I think he heard me cause he was crying. I hope one day I have a son who makes me that proud.

That’s why I was so frightened. I wanted to make my dad proud and people take craps on the airplane food carts now. How could I compete with that?

To prepare me for my naughty behavior, my dominatrix suggested I do some research. Something about knowing your history so you can come up with your own genre of chaos. You can see why she’s the boss.

Anyway, she referred me to a Cosmopolitan article where someone interviewed flight crews about the worst thing they’d ever seen in an airplane. https://www.cosmopolitan.com/uk/entertainment/travel/a9643441/cabin-crew-reveal-worst-things-people-said/

  1. Used sanitary pads on the seat-that ain’t sanitary. I ain’t doing that. Get it?

  2. Frozen prawns in luggage-what the hell is a prawn? Sounds foreign.

  3. Yelling out drinks orders and awaiting delivery-I did that.

  4. Dead fish full of maggots in the overhead locker-sounds complicated.

  5. Baby pooped on the floor-like MJ said, “the dude is not my son.”

  6. Man pissed in a paper cup and asked the flight attendant to discard it-I mean, brilliant. I’d shake that guy's hand, but it’s probably covered in piss.

  7. Slept walk into the bathroom, naked-next time, baby, next time. If they ever let me fly again, I’m nude man walking.

  8. Asked to get off the plane because the pilot was female-wait, hookers can fly planes?

  9. Put their baby in the overhead luggage cabin-like I said, never had a baby. That girl’s lying like a rug.

Man, when I read this list, it reminded me of that time a cop pulled me over cause I was drunk. He said, “Slow down, boy. All your heroes are dead.” Not true. Mine are all alive and well, flying Southwest, United, Frontier, Delta, and Aer Lingus.

I don’t know if you saw my viral video, but I’m the man now which is awesome because I blew my college golf scholarship. The Dean said, “You’re not a role model anymore.” But, I’m like, “Maybe I’m not your role model, you institutional tool, but I am somebodies moron. I mean role model.”

The whole duct-tape event happened because my dominatrix found out I was attending University on a golf scholarship. She was disgusted. She threw up in her hand and made me eat it. “That’s not a sport!” she said in her sexy Russian accent. “You need to do something really naughty, or you’re dead to me.”

When she found out I was charged with 3 counts of battery, ouu wee, she gave me a free session. But then, when she saw my viral video where I was bragging about my parents being worth more than two million dollars and my grandma being worth more than the plane, she ended up sending me a big bill.

I should have kept that money part to myself. Now even my barista charges me 20 bucks for a regular coffee. Just as long as people keep thinking of me as rich and superior, I can take being overcharged. See you in the friendly skies. Bring your duct tape.