“136 — Picky Eater” by claybitner is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND 2.0

I’ve been a server for a long time. I’ve seen children throw their food. I’ve seen adults regurgitate their food, but I have never seen adults, so bitch slapped by their kids.

I have seen men pussy-whopped enough to buy a woman three surf and turfs in one sitting, but I had never seen a grown woman send back a child’s meal because the garnish was touching his mac and cheese.

I have seen a man lick the Alfredo off a woman’s nose, but never had I seen a child say. “Mommy! If I don’t like my meal, I’m cutting off your allowance and no wine for you and your friends!”

Listen. I had Goldilocks in here once. She was a bitch, that’s true. Nothing was good enough for her at first, but we got there. She settled for a little bowl of lukewarm porridge. And though I thought it looked nasty, it got the job done. She shut her peroxide locks up and left with a bear. All’s well that ends well.

But these children today, and I know I sound old when I say that, are monsters. I don’t know what they got from their parents. Maybe they found some naked pictures of mom from her brief acting career. Maybe they saw pops kill someone, but something’s fishy, and it’s not the fillet-oh-fish.

Mamas. Papas. I got one thing to say to you. Your kids aren’t picky little eaters. They’re assholes.