Wanted-Middle School Teacher Who Speaks Meme and Acronym

Take your grammar and shove it

Wanted. Middle school teacher who ain’t hung up on grammar. Don’t apply if one of your favorite books is Eats Shoots and Leaves. Don’t apply if you fancy yourself ‘a grammarian.’ Don’t apply if you vomit when you see typos in The New York Times.

Only applications that would be considered nowhere else are considered. Were you raised on TikTok? Did your parents bring you to coffeehouses while they worked while you spent hours watching grown men scream at video games on YouTube? Is a graphic novel too many words on page for you? If this is you, please, you are who we are looking for?

In this meme-y, acronym-y world of selfies where 11-year-old kids get rich and famous for farting on their dog, the past participle is dead. The colon is half a smiley emoji. The semi-colon is a wink. If that bothers you, start a Medium Publication for grammarians, but do not apply for this job.

Serious applicants will be able to decipher any acronym without closing their eyes and reciting the alphabet. Access to a variety of redundant, annoying, offensive memes is a must.

We’ll know if you asked your kid for help. If you say Instagram instead of Insta, don’t apply. If you have Hotmail, Facebook, or remember what MySpace was, don’t apply. If you remember your landline number, Buh-bye. If you know what a landline is, see-ya.

Please don’t waste our time or yours. As a society, we need to meet our population where they are, and most kids can’t identify a verb. If you were a kid today, you would have no idea what tense this blog is even in. So, put your dotted i’s and crossed t’s back in your briefcase and skedaddle.

If this sounds well and interestingly to you and you think this job good, LMK. Good luck to all the applicants. Warning — If there are no typos on your application, keep walking, you uptight overeducated Boomer. Don’t hit your noun on the way out.