What Would Buddha, Jesus, and Gandhi Do if the YMCA Couldn’t Find Their Membership On File?
CHLORINATED SHANGRI-LA
Yesterday when my son and I were leaving the pool, he said, “Mom! You were such a Karen in there.”
“How?” I asked.
“When that lady couldn’t find your name in the system, you sort of freaked out.”
I growled. My demons rise to the surface when I exercise. I’m a landmine waiting to be stepped on, but I am also vulnerable like a tiny dancer in a raucous tempest seeking validation. I’m not open to talking about what’s wrong with me.
My son eyed me carefully. “I thought since you called yourself a Karen I could too.” Nope.
Today, I returned to the pool. The woman at the desk could not find my membership again. I pretended to be Buddha. I don’t know Buddha personally, but I feel my attempts to replicate him would not only be offensive but also a sacrilege.
Unfortunately, it was all I could think of at the time. I closed my eyes, sat in a lotus on the floor, and started to, “Omm. Ommm.”
When the system didn’t recognize my name again, I pretended to be Gandhi because I knew Gandhi wouldn’t consider this a meaningful conflict worth dying for. He would be chill like a pill.
I ripped off my clothes, tied my towel across one shoulder like a toga, shaved my head, and placed my hands in prayer pose.
She still couldn’t find my membership.
“I have a parking pass in my car,” I suggested. “They don’t give those to non-members, right?” I sounded like Buddha or Gandhi, I thought. Patient and non-combative. Helpful. Thoughtful. Part of the solution. A peacekeeper.
The woman sized me up. “You can go in and swim now honey, but when you’re done, go upstairs and clear this up.”
I quickly removed my toga and changed into my swimsuit. I didn’t need to put a cap on because I was now bald.
On my way out, I asked, “What if I show up tomorrow and my name still doesn’t appear in the system?”
She shrugged, which I believe is the YMCA’s version of the middle finger.
I wondered what Jesus would do. I grew my hair really long and rubbed some dirt on my feet.