Who's Smarter? TV or TikTok?
I read it on NPR
There are a lot of people out who don’t know their left from their right. I can tell my left from my right because I can wink my left eye. Which eye can you wink? Or do you have another trick?
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve told someone to go left and they turn right. That’s why it’s important to practice saying, “No, your other right.” If we can’t be smart, at least we can be kind.
I know where East is because Lake Michigan is always East, but once I leave Chicago, forget about it. My internal compass goes bonkers. I might as well be walking around the Milky Way, so no, don’t ask me for directions.
What about you? Is it landmarks or streets that help you get around? Or are you one of those magical people filled with iron who is connected to the Earth’s core like a magnetic dial?
I look like I know where I’m going because I walk very fast and with enormous confidence, so people are always asking me for directions. I give them directions because I want to look smart, but I might have once sent someone off of a cliff. In my defense, I didn’t say, “Here take these directions and play Candy Crush while you’re walking, and don’t look up.”
However, from that day on, I still give directions, but now I suggest they get a second opinion.
Asking someone for directions is like asking your waiter to bring you his favorite meal? What if it’s shellfish and you’re allergic? Still gonna eat it?
What if the waiter grew up on horsemeat and eats paint? Why do we ask strangers what to eat and where to go when they can’t tell their left from their right?
Whenever people ask me my eyeglasses prescription, I feel like they’re asking me my blood type, which I can never remember. Also, is there an embarrassing blood type to have?
Was anyone ever teased in middle school over their blood type? “Like, Oh my God. Did you know Wayne is an AB-? Gross. I can’t believe I hooked up with him.”
Most people don't know their blood type. I learned that on the television show Lost about a group of people whose plane crashed and they ended up stranded on an island. A stranded doctor on the show wanted to know everyone’s blood type and no one knew.
Is it still called television when we’re watching it on our phones and computers?
Whenever I learn something new from a TV show, I tell people I read it on NPR or in the New York Times. Sometimes I throw in the New Yorker or say some educated friend told me.
Kids today don’t know that trick. When I ask my son where he learned something, he always says, “TikTok.” Now, I assume he learns everything on TikTok and I’m bowled over when he says, “No, mom. I learned that in Social Studies.”
I’m like, “What’s Social Studies? Is that on TikTok?”
I can never remember if my eyeglass prescription is negative or positive. Recently, a Warby Parker eye doctor told me my eyeballs were so in the negative, I should get an extra eye exam, to make sure my eyeballs stay attached. I’ve been trying to keep my lids down since then just in case they get loose.
People with negative prescriptions like mine are at a greater risk of losing their eyeballs, it turns out. Fifty years and no one told me that. Talk about feeling ill-prepared for that embarrassing situation. The things you don’t worry about until you meet an eye doctor in the mall!
Unfortunately, for my eyeballs, the doctor reminded me of the car salesman who sold me spray for the undercarriage of my car to keep it quieter for $3200 and I wasn’t going to make that mistake again.
I never even noticed how noisy cars were until the sales guy pointed that out and now I can barely hear the radio over the undercarriage when I’m driving. This isn’t the same car I bought the undercarriage spray for and I wonder if I made a mistake.
This reminds me of the time I dated this very bossy drummer with florescent blue eyes who kept telling me to tune out all the instruments except his drum and now I can’t hear anything but drums when I listen to music.
I know any eye doctor reading this is going to cry foul and tell me to get my eyeballs checked out. That always happens whenever I write an article with medical stuff. Doctors can’t help wanting to help people.
They’ll write in the comment section of this article, “Yes, that Warby Parker doctor was correct. People with negative eyeballs are losing their eyeballs every day.” And I’ll write back what I always write back to doctors — “LMFAO. Thanks.”
I’m just happy eye doctors read my work. Doctors are doctors. That’s what I always say. Smart people. Next time I learn something new on TV, I might tell my friends, “A doctor told me that.”