Why Isn't Mark Zuckerberg Going Back to Space?

E.T., please phone home

Why isn’t Mark Zuckerberg interested in going back to space? Bezos visited his grandma on his tiny spaceship. Richard Branson even visited his ex-girlfriend, who incidentally lost her virginity to him. But when Zuckerberg was offered the opportunity to go back to his home planet, he looked spaced out.

His alien siblings weren’t surprised. “That guy,” said his brother ZPOMRK. “He thinks if he comes home, everyone’s going to make the Alien connection. I got news for you, brother. Everybody already knows you‘re no homo sapien.”

Zuckerberg’s brother continued shaking his Brachil at me.“Listen to me, KTYLY!” he said, addressing his absent brother. “No matter how many Harvard sweatshirts you have meticulously lined up in your closet, humans know. Just come out already, dude.”

Then ZPOMRK threw his squid heads back and laughed his ass off. “KTYLY was a PLRFZ growing up, and he’ll die a PLRFZ! I’m just saying.”

The hardest family member to interview was his grandma. It broke my heart. They don’t cry on Mark Zuckerberg’s home planet. They blink so fast you’re not even sure what’s happening, but it’s intense. It’s emotional.

While blinking faster than a hummingbird in heat, grandma Zuckerberg wailed. “He doesn’t write. He doesn’t call. He doesn’t send interplanetary drones into the space to let us know he’s okay.”

She continued. “I have to read People magazine to find out what’s happening with my own grandson. The other grandma’s laugh at me. They said when I talk about my grandson, Mark Zuckerberg, I’m essentially name-dropping because he gives a shit about me like Gwyneth Paltrow gives about you. Seriously, with all the sadness in the world, who makes a candle that smells like her own vagina? Humans. Blech.”

So why doesn’t Mark Zuckerberg go back to space? I wanted to be a fair and balanced reporter, so I called him to give him a chance to defend himself.

“Space?” he yelled. “What’s space? I have never heard of space? Is that someone's username? That’s the stupidest thing I ever heard, and everyone sounds stupid to me. You know who’s really stupid? Einstein. Dumb Einstein. If I ever saw that guy, I’d tell him E = mc2 is so last century.”

Zuckerberg kept on going, but his non-eye-blinking made me sad, thinking about grandma Zuckerberg. I got on to Facebook to post about it, but it turns out I’m in Facebook jail, indefinitely. What a PLRFZ!