You’re Not Crazy — Your Family Is
How to swap a problematic sibling
Family therapy is great if you don’t go alone, but can you convince your parents and siblings to join in? It’s probably easier to rob a bank on a Big Wheel or jump rope with tooth floss. Good luck, sweetie.
I understand your fantasy of trying to get your family to join you in therapy, but you must be insane to think those people are going with you. You know, deep down in your subconscious, if you bring them, your therapist will declare your family nuts, and finally, you’d know you were right. Oh, I feel your joy. Let it be your light.
Family therapy is the who done it of dysfunctional families, the CSI of catching the perp, finding the nuttiest link. That’s why your family members will never agree to join you on those comfy leather couches. They don’t want to be busted in the line-up. Chickens. It’s okay to be disappointed. You feel your feel.
Don’t worry. The family therapist's only job is to figure out who the crazy one is. When the therapist discovers the guilty party, that family member is replaced by a doppelganger. I sense your anxiety. Don’t worry. It doesn’t happen in one session.
The therapist needs time so the doppelganger can observe, from the double-sided mirror, regular gestures of the person they’re replacing. Therapists don’t tell the family about the swap. They pretend they cured your family. They kind of did. They gave you someone better.
Many people won’t go to family therapy because they know about the doppelganger. I don’t know who told them. Stop obsessing. You gotta reframe this in your lunatic brain. Child’s pose, please. Ok. Shh.
I know what you’re thinking. What happens if you are the crazy one? You are. I mean. You’re here, aren’t you, trying to convince other people they’re nuts to prove you’re not nuts? Breathe. Take a pill. Slide into one of those chill-out water coffins. Light up a spliff. Everybody's fine. The world didn’t crack open.
I know what you’re worried about. There’s a doppelganger for everyone and yours is attractive and funny and they’re gonna love her. Also, know this. Crazy in one house is not crazy in all houses. There’s a place where you’re not the crazy one. When you are replaced, think of yourself like a rescue.
In fact, that is what your new family members will call you privately once they figure it out. “Oh, Amy,” they’ll say. “We love you. You’re a rescue.” I know you wish you could wag your tail right now. Shake an ass, nobody’s looking.
Your old family has been rescued from you and you have been rescued from them. It was a bad fit. You’re with new people now, ones who think you’re funny and smart and fashionable.
You’re not alone. Most families require at least one doppelganger. Some end up swapping out everyone. Very few combinations of family members are compatible.
Think of the famous murderers Leopold and Loeb. Clarence Darrow once famously said, “Individually, these two men were totally reasonable people. Make them relatives and they're gonna kill each other.” This isn’t the exact quote — not even close, but it supports my narrative.
Clarence was saying certain people should never meet. Unfortunately, many of these people are related. It’s a glitch, but that’s what family therapy is for. So, if you can’t get your family to go to therapy with you, consider meeting some new people. I hear other people’s relatives are delightful.